March 2011
3 posts
1 tag
2 tags
1 tag
txtsfrmlstnght:
(215): I don’t think we should have started that trash fire
January 2011
1 post
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(863): Good lord, they’ve set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
December 2010
13 posts
1 tag
Snack Pack
Dad: WHAT R U DOING
Me: I’m eating a snack pack
Dad: SO DOES THAT MEAN YOU ARE DRINKING A SIX PACK OF BEER?
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(719): tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(248): Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how’s your morning?
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(816): Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don’t want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
5 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(610): I don’t care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(954): I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he’s yelling “COMA WEED!”.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(316): I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(412): He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick.!t
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(859): Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(260): I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(207): Screw this I’m going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they’re for me.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(530): The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro.
November 2010
17 posts
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(702): I’m honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(443): the $20 limit for secret santa doesn’t apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20.
3 tags
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(902): Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands/
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(321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(304): Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(469): FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
2 tags
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(913): When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(206): My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it’s neck.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I’m “the girl you had sex with last night”.
1 tag
(765): He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow’s Walk of Fame.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(570): I don’t want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
3 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(310): If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn’t makeup sex than I don’t know what else is.
1 tag
(702): No one knows who he is but he hasn’t missed a shot in beer pong yet. He’s dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called “16 loko” and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(402): I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise
October 2010
13 posts
1 tag
(612): These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
1 tag
(303): there’s a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool… so whatever happened last night was probably awesome.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
2 tags
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(705): From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute.
2 tags
(773): The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar..
1 tag
(734): i am exhausted. it’s been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
1 tag
(706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods.
1 tag
(732): I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest.
1 tag
(904): Dude, the cops never think it’s as funny as you do.
2 tags
txtsfrmlstnght:
(810): He said my breasts were God’s way of making up to him for all the shit he’s had to endure in his life.
1 tag
(708): I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
1 tag
(724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don’t want to be with you anymore.
September 2010
9 posts
1 tag
“He couldn’t bear to live but he couldn’t bear to die. He couldn’t bear the...”
– Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer (via thechocolatebrigade)
1 tag
“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you? …you’ve had enough of me, haven’t you?...”
– Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel (via thechocolatebrigade)
1 tag
(716): Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen…that house is always interesting.