txtsfrmlstnght:

(405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
(248): If that doesn’t scream bromance I dont know what does.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(570): found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(307): you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

txtsfrmlstnght:

(207): I wasn’t interested in him…but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I’m sorry.

(203): Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read “I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills”. I can’t believe they make shit like that.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(727): I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven’t played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.